yes, i’ve been on my couch for 4 1/2 weeks!  it was fine before christmas, but now i’m getting a little grumpy.  i think we’re all just over it.  still decent attitudes, but still over it.  BUT, this is so much better than being in a hospital for the next few weeks or having my baby right now!  i’m 34 weeks along, so that is great for her lungs.  i’d just really like to avoid NICU.  i really want to be able to nurse her and get her started off well.  especially if she’s going to be little.  granted, little for us is anything less than 8 lbs., but still she’ll probably only be 5 or 6 lbs, being born 3 weeks early.  that’s so little!!  anyway, i’d like to hold on until 37 weeks so she can be full term and not have to have lights keep her warm.  so i guess a little baby is one of my fears about this.

the second, and really the main fear, is the c-section itself.  i have so many friends who have had and recovered easily from c-sections.  but i’m still just so nervous about it.  first off, my babies come late, so i never know when it’s coming.  they come on their own time, unless it’s way to long, like gabe was, but even then, i at least started labor before i went to the hospital for the induction.  scheduling it 4 weeks before when my babies are typically born is bothersome to me.  then, there’s the whole surgery thing.  surgery isn’t nerve wracking to me.  it’s being awake for the surgery that is scary.  but i’m not about to be put under and not see my baby in her first minutes of birth.  so, the idea of being aware when they are cutting my stomach open is scary to me.  then what if there are complications with me?  i don’t want to hear all of that.  

i guess i’ve just done this my way twice.  now it’s completely NOT my way or what feels natural to me.  i know this c-section is not at all elective, and for any of my friends and family have c-sections, elective or not, good for them.  i can totally support that.  just for me, i’m scared about it.  

and my third fear, and this one feels really funny, is that i’m scared to have a new baby again!  what?  i’ve done it twice already!  what’s the big deal?  and babies are the sweetest little things.  i’m totally excited on one hand and completely nervous on the other.  who is she?  what kind of baby will she be?  what kind of person will she be?  how will it all fit in to our existing family?  how will gabe and mia deal with it?  at this point they are excited and i don’t totally expect that to change, but who knows?  and we bring A LOT more germs into this house now with preschool and elementary, so will she get sick a lot?  and when she’s so little?  

i think had my pregnancy been at all normal, i wouldn’t have a lot of these baby fears.  i would feel pretty ready and confident.  but since everything is different this time, i’m back to being concerned because i don’t know what to expect.  only one in 200 people have complete previa at this point in the game.  my situation is hardly normal.  and having a little baby, maybe being in the NICU, how does that affect the future?  it’s what keeps me laying down all the time, trying to avoid long term issues.  i guess i’m just sort of scared of everything right now, and am completely unable to do anything about it, like get the baby room ready, do projects around the house, etc.  things that i guess could be construed to avoiding my fears, but could also be seen as having something to do other than be concerned!  

the one thing i am not worried about, that i always have been before, is how there can be enough room in my heart to love another baby the way i love gabe and mia.  i’m not nervous about that at all this time.  the cool thing about bed rest is that i’ve been able to feel every single one of her little moves in my belly.  it’s like we just spend our whole day together without taking care of the rest of the world.  that is very sweet.  so, she’s already got a place in my heart and i can’t wait to meet her and introduce her to the rest of her family.

i feel like i “know” that all of this will turn out fine in the end.  i still won’t sleep at all the night before the c-section, but i know in the end it will be fine.  even if there are complications, i have learned by now that they aren’t all bad and you can certainly deal with them in positive lights.  i just want to get there and know what’s going to happen.  but not too soon…